Windy Gap
If you'll look over at the shelf that holds my music collection,
there is a significant gap in the line of CDs there.
Last night, I finally went through and removed what was left of my Christian CDs. These were the musicians who actually got me through my youth and college years...the ones who seemed the most sincere and managed to keep me tied to God. Rich Mullins...just about every album he ever made...and Delirious...and a few others.
So I planned to sell these or ... give them to a Christian friend. Not that I want to promote Christianity anymore, but these albums really are actually good music, and I can't just toss them if someone else would really enjoy them (though I am tossing a ton of Christian books...nonsense). So I had to listen to one of the albums to make sure it still plays. I found myself singing along. It was just the most bizarre feeling.
What a love story! This huge and awesome being who stoops to make us all loved and happy...but does it in difficult ways that also make us strong...and who doesn't really make sense but is still defined as LOVE.
I am getting used to atheism, to the fact that I just don't believe all that stuff anymore. But last night...I was thrown off by the beautiful LIE. Perhaps I should be angry, but who could I be angry with? It's not "God" who lied to us. And it's not really Rich Mullins - geez, I think he truly believed all this, and he's dead now, so he will never even know he got it wrong. In a way that is good, because he believed in such a love story. It's hard to wake up from that to - nothing after you get thrown from a car and die. I don't wish that on anyone.
Who are all these people who wrote these "scriptures" so full of dreams and wishes and lies? Why in the world did they do this? Control? Culture? Power? Was it the need for this love story, this fairy tale, something to make life better than life?
There is all this hot air blowing around...wind through the gap in my CD collection, in my life.
Windy Gap was the name of a Christian camp I visited in high school. What I remember most of that camp is throwing snow balls at my best friend...now that was real love. I turned off my cassette player and removed my headphones (the lyrics of Rich Mullins songs still roaming around my mind, making life feel even more full of love) to pick up the snow and run after my friend.
Another faint memory was the quiet times by the stream where I thought I was communing with God.
So much wind in the gap.
Last night, I finally went through and removed what was left of my Christian CDs. These were the musicians who actually got me through my youth and college years...the ones who seemed the most sincere and managed to keep me tied to God. Rich Mullins...just about every album he ever made...and Delirious...and a few others.
So I planned to sell these or ... give them to a Christian friend. Not that I want to promote Christianity anymore, but these albums really are actually good music, and I can't just toss them if someone else would really enjoy them (though I am tossing a ton of Christian books...nonsense). So I had to listen to one of the albums to make sure it still plays. I found myself singing along. It was just the most bizarre feeling.
What a love story! This huge and awesome being who stoops to make us all loved and happy...but does it in difficult ways that also make us strong...and who doesn't really make sense but is still defined as LOVE.
I am getting used to atheism, to the fact that I just don't believe all that stuff anymore. But last night...I was thrown off by the beautiful LIE. Perhaps I should be angry, but who could I be angry with? It's not "God" who lied to us. And it's not really Rich Mullins - geez, I think he truly believed all this, and he's dead now, so he will never even know he got it wrong. In a way that is good, because he believed in such a love story. It's hard to wake up from that to - nothing after you get thrown from a car and die. I don't wish that on anyone.
Who are all these people who wrote these "scriptures" so full of dreams and wishes and lies? Why in the world did they do this? Control? Culture? Power? Was it the need for this love story, this fairy tale, something to make life better than life?
There is all this hot air blowing around...wind through the gap in my CD collection, in my life.
Windy Gap was the name of a Christian camp I visited in high school. What I remember most of that camp is throwing snow balls at my best friend...now that was real love. I turned off my cassette player and removed my headphones (the lyrics of Rich Mullins songs still roaming around my mind, making life feel even more full of love) to pick up the snow and run after my friend.
Another faint memory was the quiet times by the stream where I thought I was communing with God.
So much wind in the gap.
2 Comments
On to more serious stuff, I know what you mean about the music. I can't listen to Christian radio any more (my wife listens to KLOVE) because I can't help but to think, "yeah, but its all bullshit".
I haven't cleaned out my CD collection because my wife wouldn't stand for it. Besides, if I got rid of all my christian CDs, I think I would have about 10 CDs left! We were big into praise and worship and have just about the entire original Integrity series.
Am I wrong in saying that I detect a note of sadness, perhaps regret in your post? I think all of us here can say that we wish we had come to our senses (for lack of a better phrase) sooner.
You know my story, I was a believer for 30 years and wrestled with doubts for at least 15 of those 30 years. I certainly regret the loss of time. I could have done so much more with my life. But I cannot look back with regret, I have to look forward with hope and determination. This is not an easy trick for me because I am a natural pessimist.
It will get better. You have turned a corner, keep going! No more looking back! Press on! (Crowds cheering in the background)
Now if my husband was listening to KLOVE, that would be cause for some serious marital strife! LOL It must be hard for you...I only have to deal with the ghost of my christian past now. I'm not sure how I would handle it if my husband was still a Christian. It seems like you two have come to a pretty good place together? I think if my husband was a Christian, I would miss being able to connect with him on all levels, including spiritual (or lack of spiritual as the case is now). Do you?
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