deconversion

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Saved by the blood when I was 14 years old. My parents conversion to Jesus transformed their lives: my dad stopped drinking, they ceased divorce proceedings, etc. This made a big impression on my young mind!

So after high school I went to Bible College (Multnomah) and got a Bachelor of Theology in 1971. Went to Europe as a missionary (Operation Mobilization). Was also a Youth Group leader, deacon, etc.

After moving back to the USA in 1990, I was shocked by the close ties that evangelical christianity maintained to Republican politics, and the implication that good christians would vote conservative. I had not encountered that in European christianity, being that most of Europe is quite socialist, and all the better for it! I managed to dismiss anomaly about American christianity this for many years.

But eventually, I started thinking about the theological "truth" that I had taken for granted for all of my life. The concept of Hell was the hardest to reconcile with a "loving" God! I heard an NPR (This American Life) broadcast of Bishop Carlton Pearson's journey to not believing in hell, and that gave me the green light to start examining lots of other things as well: the biblical stories of creation, the Ark, Tower of Babel, and especially the genocide carried out against canaanite tribal people at god's command. Then I started examining the New Testament, it's stories and history. Who knew there were so many contradictions about the birth AND the death of Jesus? Or that the author of John put so many words into Jesus mouth, to support the emerging theology of the early church? The books of Bart Ehrman, among others, were very helpful during this journey.

This was a very scary journey, and though compelled by my rational brain, was resisted by my heart and emotions and relationships. To turn around the title of C.S. Lewis' book, "Surprised by Joy", I think many of us ex-christians were "Surprised by Doubt"! (But then I was once again "surprised by joy" at my de-conversion!)

The stages on my way out:
1) I am a christian, but not an evangelical. Maybe an "emergent" or post-modern evangelical. Lasted about 4 years.
2) I am not an evangelical at all. Maybe a very liberal christian who could feel at home in the episcopal church. Lasted about 4 months.
3) I am a universalist, spiritual person, who believed in a supreme being. Lasted about 6 months.
4) I am an agnostic in theory, atheist in practice. Perhaps an "apatheist", as stated by Infidel? Current state.

I don't know if step 4 will be as far as I go. I am quite content to remain at step 4, while continuing to learn more about a world without god.