deconversion

Saved by the blood of the lamb and baptized when I was 14 years old. My parents conversion to Jesus transformed their lives: my dad stopped drinking, they ceased divorce proceedings, etc. This made a big impression on my young mind!

So after high school I went to Bible College (Multnomah) and got a Bachelor of Theology in 1971. Went to Europe as a missionary (Operation Mobilization). Was also a Youth Group leader, deacon, etc.

After moving back to the USA in 1990, I was shocked by the close ties that evangelical christianity maintained to Republican politics, and the implication that good christians would vote conservative. I had not encountered that in European christianity, being that most of Europe is quite socialist, and all the better for it! I managed to dismiss this anomaly about American christianity for many years.

But eventually, I started thinking about the theological "truth" that I had taken for granted for all of my life. The concept of Hell was the hardest to reconcile with a "loving" God! I heard an NPR (This American Life) broadcast of Bishop Carlton Pearson's journey to not believing in hell, and that gave me the green light to start examining lots of other things as well: the biblical stories of creation, the Ark, Tower of Babel, and especially the genocide carried out against canaanite tribal people at god's command. Then I started examining the New Testament, it's stories and history. Who knew there were so many contradictions about the birth AND the death of Jesus? Or that the author of John put so many words into Jesus mouth, to support the emerging theology of the early church? The books of Bart Ehrman, among others, were very helpful during this journey. Once I was sure the Bible was no longer infallible or inerrant, the floodgates opened!

This was a very scary journey, and though compelled by my rational brain, was resisted by my heart and emotions and relationships. To turn around the title of C.S. Lewis' book, "Surprised by Joy", I think many of us ex-christians were "Surprised by Doubt"! (But then I was once again "surprised by joy" at my de-conversion!)

The stages on my way out:
1) I am a christian, but not an evangelical. Maybe an "emergent" or post-modern evangelical. Lasted about 4 years.
2) I am not an evangelical at all. Maybe a very liberal christian who could feel at home in the episcopal church. Lasted about 4 months.
3) I am a universalist, spiritual person, who believed in a supreme being. Lasted about 6 months.
4) I am an agnostic in theory, atheist in practice. Perhaps an "apatheist", as stated by Infidel? This is my current state.

I don't know if step 4 will be as far as I go. I am quite content to remain at step 4, while continuing to learn more about a world without god.

Hello Scootwes - thanks for posting your de-con story here. I appreciated your comment regarding your desperate search for 'comrades-in-experience.' Yes, it is a scary place that we find ourselves. Yes, I also miss the "family" aspect of being part of a church. For 20 years, I pretty much abandoned family and friends who did not subscribe to my evangelical faith. Now, all of the people I consider my friends are Christians who I have met either at church or at various bible study groups over the years. Who do I confide in now? Who do I go to to vent my anger with the church and it's lies, and with myself for taking this long to wake up?!? Reading the posts and comments here on this website have been valuable and really helped me define who I am in this world. I hope that you will find comfort here. Even though we're in cyberspace, visiting this site does help take the edge off the loneliness. We're not alone!!

Hi Scootwes (and you too, free-at-last, I don't think I've seen you around here before either),

I've been a regular on this site for about six months and I can tell you from personal experience, you will find what you are looking for here. One of the things I like about deconversion.org is the lack of vitriol that I have found on other exchristian sites. I think you will appreciate that too.

So, you can comment, question, rant, rave, yell, cry, whatever and we'll still be your friends. Again, I know this from personal experience. No one on this site has ever made me feel stupid or inconsequential for anything I've said or asked.

Welcome.

Hi Scootwes. I also spend a lot of time at ex-christian.net. Mostly I read the posts, because you are right, the comments can get rather acrimonius. That website is more for people who have completely "left" religion, rather than for people who are in the process of leaving. There's a lot of anger there, and I understand that. It's a good place for people who have realized how much time, energy and money they have wasted to let off steam. They can vent about all the awful things that they did, or that were done to them in the name of religion. Deconversion is better at supporting those who are still struggling with leaving, and for those who might not be ready to part with faith entirely, but need to put rigid dogma behind them and work it out for themselves.

So, welcome. I spent a lot of time as an apatheist also. I just decided that religion was irrelevant, and quit worrying about it, for many years. It's only since I had children, and have had to deal with the efforts of the religious to stuff their dogma down the throats of my girls that I have really been more of an active Atheist.

"Deconversion is better at supporting those who are still struggling with leaving, and for those who might not be ready to part with faith entirely, but need to put rigid dogma behind them and work it out for themselves."

Appreciated your story, Scootwes. I served with OM in Europe too...and am now in the deconversion process. You inspired me to go ahead and sign up. I think I'm currently falling somewhere between stage 3 and 4 as you laid them out. I appreciate this forum very much.

Whoa, another ex-OMer! I'm excited to know I'm not the only one who is "de-converting"! MEC, thanks for commenting here. I sent you a personal email. I would love to find out your name and details about your time in Europe. I now live in Portland, Oregon.

Wow! Who knew that two ex-OMers would deconvert and meet on this site?

Almost makes one wonder if it was a divine appointment!

Hi Wes - and Free and mec - welcome aboard. I am sometimes active, sometimes not...I am in a weird phase of trying to treat religion as irrelevant but still feeling alone as a deconvert. Not only am I missing the family aspect...but I am missing it so much that I am actually considering going to a UU church soon. Just the thought of "church" makes me feel sick, but I have virtually no community where I live now. I have a few long-distance friends who love me no matter what, but I have no local friends. Without a church to attend, it is VERY hard to find them! I tried a meetup.com group...but it feels so shallow and disconnected. Having online friends is great, but local community is important too, and I feel stuck.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I hope that you feel welcome here. I haven't felt much hostility at all. Sometimes I find that we are all repeating the same themes, and the same grudges come up a lot. I think we each have to work through them - whether or not other people have written about them or not - so they will continue to come up! Most of us were taught to define ourselves with our faith...so it leaves us floundering a bit now. How do we let go of such a huge part of our "identity?" And what takes its place? Do we really need to define ourselves anyway? I think one of the reasons I come and go here is that I'm fighting defining myself in any way regarding religion. If I focus a lot on being a deconvert, then I'm back to that again: labeling myself, allowing religion (or lack of it) to be an important component of my life. But as long as I am in the process of letting things go, I keep coming back here. Good people. Without god. :-)

A reason I feel so lonely is that most of my friends are Christian; that was a prominent element of what drew us together, and now, increasingly, I am in a position where I don't feel comfortable discussing religion or a-religion. I'm just barely beginning to feel less anxious/ upset/ offended/ horrified/ guilty about deconverting; I am m0st definitely not up for a round 2 induced by talking to uber-religious friends yet. And with the lack of agnostic-atheistic gatherings, it's hard to find a supportive community locally. So all the more reason to appreciate the online resources.

mec - ditto for me. While I was a Christian, I purposely isolated myself from non-Christians, except of course, when I was in outreach-mode. But socially, all my friends were Christians. So - now I find myself without anyone to really pour my heart out to. And this is such a life-changing experience; a time when I really NEED someone to talk to. While I have stopped attending church, I have still not 'come out' as an asnostic/atheist to anyone. I've only hinted at it with my husband and my closest girlfriend. Anyway, I find that I recognize myself and my experiences in so many of the posts here on this forum. And it seems to me that it is mostly deep-feeling, thoughtful, and honest people who ultimately come to the conclusion that we have here. So we have those traits in common, too.

I don't think your experience is all that unusual. After all, we were supposed to be "separated unto Christ" or some such crap like that.

We are all having to figure out how to have genuine friends outside the context of the church. Hell, I'm trying to figure out how to be friends with someone I disagree with! I never attended a church that truly allowed diverse of views. The difference is that this time I can be someone's friend without worrying about getting them saved. That ulterior motive, while sincere, always bothered me.

That's one of the main things I love about this site. We can disagree about something and still be friends! What a concept!

The anxiety will pass. Actually, what will happen is that as you become more comfortable with your reason based thought process, you will be less worried about the faith based one. Over time you will get to the point where you are not concerned with who knows. I am just about there. I have realized over the last week or so that it is time to be open about my deconversion and let the chips fall where they may.

If you feel the need to talk, use the blog on this site. I use it all the time and I NEVER thought I would be a blogger. So go ahead! Speak your mind!